God
he is the true meaning of perfection, even though we all dream about that word, we never even get close to it because perfection wasn’t made for us humans to tell the truth it wasn’t even made for any kind of a living creature.
They say God loves all pure people, and we are all supposed to love him more than anything. You might wonder why im writing these known informations. Well even I don’t know.
Today I went praying the dawn prayers. I asked my self a few questions each question made me think further;
I stood on the yellow sheet with my wet forehead and water dripping hair and asked my self before I began
Who am I praying to? The answer for this question was easy I didn’t have to think a lot, I was praying for the one who made me the one who gave me this beautiful body, the one who never sleeps, the one who is always watching me and helping me when I needed help it was to him and only him.
I started my pray and as I stood there reading his words another question appeared on the yellow sheet I was standing on;
Why am I praying to God? I didn’t have to answer this question. His words did that for me as I read: “gratitude to the one who owns everything” off course I was praying to thank him for everything he ever did for me. Another reason appeared to me as I continued reading his words “please lead us to the right path, the path of those you’ve blessed” the words reached to my heart and I felt week.
I started to think that I ask god to lead me to the right path every time I pray but all I see is me growing every day as this man who I don’t believe is going on the right path.
I asked again: what is this right path? How does it look like? This time the words didn’t do anything I had to help my self, this right path is it the path that I was going through when I was born. But when did I changed my road ? when did I decided to turn left and leave everyone that I know on the right side.
Is this all because im a fucking fag?? Is this the wrong path? How can I even be in this path if I don’t even remember choosing to walk on it. How can u be a sinner if u don’t now what’s the sin.
That’s when I asked: what is this sin? Tears dropped down my wet face if someone was looking he would think its water but if he looked again he would see the red shadows inside my eye.
The first word that appeared to me was the word gay. Even though im a man who accepts himself I still chose that word. I tried to remember the time I started to walk on this sin. Nothing was all that appeared to me. I tried to remember the times I tried to go back from this road and choose the other direction, all that appeared was tears and not one of them was happy tears, they were all filled with hate bitterness and pain. They were like blood drifting from my face. I tried to remember the times I asked God to help me and to heal me from this disease but all I saw was me covering the fact that God didn’t answer me and if he did then why am I still the same? Why haven’t I changed?
A thought appeared in the clear horizon that I was seeing. It was the thought of me realizing the request that I kept asking God for. The request for me being straight again, I stared at the word “again” and tried to remember the first time but nothing appeared. If I never were straight then I must’ve been gay all my life but if being gay is a sin then how can my existence becomes a sin? Am I a walking sin?
I couldn’t find the answer as I bend my body to the ground my eyes started to glitter in tears.
A question reassembled it self; then why am I praying to God if God doesn’t answer sinners? I asked another question: why am I praying to God if God doesn’t think I deserve to live as a human? My face was filled with tears and my eyes were blood red. The sheet was wet from my tears I was weak I was so weak that I couldn’t raise my face off the ground.
I asked if God loves all of us then does god love me? Do I even worth to be loved by god? The question kept repeating it self and I kept crying more and more. I wanted to scream I wanted to just sleep and wake up to find everything as I wanted, I wanted to die I just simply wanted to die right there on my knees. I knew that God was listening to me and I wished he would just answer this prayer
GOD PLEASE JUST END MY LIFE RIGHT NOW, I DON’T WANT TO LIVE A LIFE WHERE I HAVE TO THINK THAT U DON’T LOVE ME I DON’T WANT TO BE SIN NOR A SINNER, PLEAAASE…….
to be continued ....
he is the true meaning of perfection, even though we all dream about that word, we never even get close to it because perfection wasn’t made for us humans to tell the truth it wasn’t even made for any kind of a living creature.
They say God loves all pure people, and we are all supposed to love him more than anything. You might wonder why im writing these known informations. Well even I don’t know.
Today I went praying the dawn prayers. I asked my self a few questions each question made me think further;
I stood on the yellow sheet with my wet forehead and water dripping hair and asked my self before I began
Who am I praying to? The answer for this question was easy I didn’t have to think a lot, I was praying for the one who made me the one who gave me this beautiful body, the one who never sleeps, the one who is always watching me and helping me when I needed help it was to him and only him.
I started my pray and as I stood there reading his words another question appeared on the yellow sheet I was standing on;
Why am I praying to God? I didn’t have to answer this question. His words did that for me as I read: “gratitude to the one who owns everything” off course I was praying to thank him for everything he ever did for me. Another reason appeared to me as I continued reading his words “please lead us to the right path, the path of those you’ve blessed” the words reached to my heart and I felt week.
I started to think that I ask god to lead me to the right path every time I pray but all I see is me growing every day as this man who I don’t believe is going on the right path.
I asked again: what is this right path? How does it look like? This time the words didn’t do anything I had to help my self, this right path is it the path that I was going through when I was born. But when did I changed my road ? when did I decided to turn left and leave everyone that I know on the right side.
Is this all because im a fucking fag?? Is this the wrong path? How can I even be in this path if I don’t even remember choosing to walk on it. How can u be a sinner if u don’t now what’s the sin.
That’s when I asked: what is this sin? Tears dropped down my wet face if someone was looking he would think its water but if he looked again he would see the red shadows inside my eye.
The first word that appeared to me was the word gay. Even though im a man who accepts himself I still chose that word. I tried to remember the time I started to walk on this sin. Nothing was all that appeared to me. I tried to remember the times I tried to go back from this road and choose the other direction, all that appeared was tears and not one of them was happy tears, they were all filled with hate bitterness and pain. They were like blood drifting from my face. I tried to remember the times I asked God to help me and to heal me from this disease but all I saw was me covering the fact that God didn’t answer me and if he did then why am I still the same? Why haven’t I changed?
A thought appeared in the clear horizon that I was seeing. It was the thought of me realizing the request that I kept asking God for. The request for me being straight again, I stared at the word “again” and tried to remember the first time but nothing appeared. If I never were straight then I must’ve been gay all my life but if being gay is a sin then how can my existence becomes a sin? Am I a walking sin?
I couldn’t find the answer as I bend my body to the ground my eyes started to glitter in tears.
A question reassembled it self; then why am I praying to God if God doesn’t answer sinners? I asked another question: why am I praying to God if God doesn’t think I deserve to live as a human? My face was filled with tears and my eyes were blood red. The sheet was wet from my tears I was weak I was so weak that I couldn’t raise my face off the ground.
I asked if God loves all of us then does god love me? Do I even worth to be loved by god? The question kept repeating it self and I kept crying more and more. I wanted to scream I wanted to just sleep and wake up to find everything as I wanted, I wanted to die I just simply wanted to die right there on my knees. I knew that God was listening to me and I wished he would just answer this prayer
GOD PLEASE JUST END MY LIFE RIGHT NOW, I DON’T WANT TO LIVE A LIFE WHERE I HAVE TO THINK THAT U DON’T LOVE ME I DON’T WANT TO BE SIN NOR A SINNER, PLEAAASE…….
to be continued ....
Back in time when the first time i read your notes it was a great experiment ... as long as you keep expressing your self you are unique and special :)
ReplyDeletewaiting for more of your writings .
the wierd thing is that it actualy happened,,so this is just me telling a story from my past !!! thanks for the comment my dear :D
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